Beware of Jacob
by KaydenceRei
Summary: Warning: Crack!Fic. Jacob has called an island meeting! He will now be pointing out the flaws of ALL our favorite characters that have driven us insane over the past 5 seasons! Be prepared for crack!fiction, so that's where Charlie's heroin went!
1. ISLAND Dammit!

**Author's Note**: Okay, this a total crack!fic. Let me just say this now, all of this is just for FUN. I mean, if you _really_ find it necessary to yell at me for being harsh on characters, well.. I'll probably just laugh. That's the downright truth of that matter. So feel free to yell if you like!

And now, onto the show! I'm throwing this one out there for **Mad Steph**, **D.D. Casale**, and **teh-Sara**.

**Beware of Jacob**:

Jacob walked through the jungle towards the beach camp of the survivors, cracking the knuckles on his hands. These people were about to get a tongue lashing. All of them were certifiably nuts! Well sure, Jacob himself was an almighty Island God, worshiped by many, hated by few.. details, details.

As he strode onto the beach in his white tunic he glanced around at everyone who was sitting down indian style and in the center of the beach no less. Perfect, they had listened when he requested a formal meeting. Even Ben had collected his crew of misfit Others to take place. Now he could get it all out in the open.

"First things first," Jacob began, silencing everyone. "I am the almighty Jacob," he explained to them. "Now, _all_ of you have faults over the years that your fans have been driven crazy by the directors of this show--"

"Show?" all of them piped up.

"Quiet, I'm holding the meeting, no questions," he warned them. "Now I'm going to explain these faults to you all!"

Silence.

"I suppose I should start out with the main people we see a lot of," he began. "Jack, for instance."

"What's wrong with Jack?" Kate questioned.

"Yes indeed, what _is_ wrong with Jack, that _is_ the question," Jacob replied cryptically. "Does anyone know what's wrong with Jack?"

Sawyer spoke up. "He's a Jackass."

"Well, yes," Jacob answered with a shrug. "He did become a.. Jackass.." he replied. "But before that, his undying need to _fix _things," he pointed out. "First of all, you can't fix everything, and lastly, when you _realize_ that you can't fix everything, you most certainly should still try to fix what _is_ fixable. Instead of _getting_ a fix."

Silence.

"Since Sawyer decided to answer my question about Jack, maybe I'll go to Sawyer next," he decided. "Alright, first question, what in Island's name do you want us to call you now?" he asked seriously. "Sawyer? James? LaFleur? Jim? Jimmy? You know what.. Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care. The main thing is. _Choose_ a woman here. First you were the jackass, now Jack's the Jackass, and now _you_ care about everything, well excuuuse me, mister."

Everyone stared at Jacob.

"Talk about a little role reversal," Jacob stated with a shrug. "Honestly, for serious, James," he began again. "You really ought to choose---"

"I have a question!" Ben piped up.

"No questions!" Jacob growled out, pointing a finger.

"I have a statement!" Ben said next.

Silence.

"Fine," Jacob stated. "State your statement."

"I can't," Ben explained.

Jacob arched an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because it's really just a question."

Jacob groaned. "Moving on," he stated. "I guess I should just move on to _you_, Benjamin," he stated next. "We all know that deep down between that very creepy bug-eyed look you have, that you're actually a big giant manipulative fluffy bunny," he stated. "Well, were anyways, until you stabbed me."

"You're fairly well adapted at getting out of promises, by making _other_ people break them for you, if you didn't break it, how is it your fault? That means you didn't lie of course," he said with a sigh. "Not to mention your obsession with Juliet suddenly disappearing after the people on the freighter came along, where'd that obsession go, Ben?" he questioned.

Juliet frowned. "I would have preferred you not ask, now he'll be thinking about it again.. thanks a lot."

"Don't get me started on you, blondie," Jacob stated.

"Hey, you can't steal my nickname for her," Sawyer growled out.

Jacob eyed him. And ignored him. "Lets see.. in the beginning, even _I_ couldn't decide whose side you were on. Did you even _have_ a side?" he questioned.

Juliet shrugged. "I like to think I was on my own side."

"Right, you of course wouldn't want to answer that honestly when both sides are sitting around you," Jacob explained to himself.

"I was being honest," Juliet retorted. "I went for the side that had better chances of getting me off of this island," she admitted. "And so maybe I kind of, maybe, _sort of_, started to like the survivors."

"You fell in love with on of them," Jacob pointed out. "I'll give you a break on that. Since that happened in the seventies and all. Wait.. speaking of the seventies, how in the _hell_ are you at this meeting? Didn't you get blown up?"

"Didn't you get stabbed?" she retorted.

"Touche," Jacob responded. "Wait, I said no questions!" he groaned and head slapped himself. "That's it, I'm not talking to you," he said to Juliet. "You talk back."

Juliet shrugged. "Suite yourself."

"Moving on!" Jacob called out. He paused, glancing at Charlie snorting something as he sat behind everyone else. As though he only just realized even the dead people were here. "Wait, Charlie? _What_ are you snorting? You're putting the crack in crack!fic here!"

"The crack in what?" Charlie questioned. "Man this is sugar, Hurley gave me a bag of sugar to help me stop with heroin. That way I still _feel _like I'm snorting, without it being dangerous!"

Jacob raised both eyebrow up in response. "Oh.. he did, did he?" he questioned. "Well.. I suppose.. thats alright then," he mumbled. He looked around and spotted Hurley dipping his fingers in the ranch jar. "Oh for the well-being of the Island," he muttered. "Hugo, what are you doing? That's not right," he told the big man.

"What's not?" Hurley asked.

"Well _look_ at you," Jacob stated, waving his arms. "There is no possible way for you to be stranded on an island, with hardly anything edible for months and still be _that_ big.."

"Sure it is," Hurley replied. "I haven't changed. I was on this island for months."

Silence.

"Fine," Jacob replied. "You got me there. Keep eating your ranch, big man.."

"Is this really necessary?" Kate asked. "In all fairness, I have better things to do then listen to you pick out everyones flaws."

"Like what?" Jacob questioned.

Kate frowned. "Uh.. I don't know, things."

"Things like what?" Jacob asked.

Silence.

"I know what you want to do, you're just trying to save everyone from getting picked on at this meeting, when you know what happens when you try to save people, Kate?" he asked her next.

Juliet raised her hand.

"Go ahead, Juliet!" Jacob stated.

"I fell down the hatch at the Swan," she answered.

"Very good Juliet!" Jacob retorted. "Wait.. what?" he said next. "Well.. that's not what I was thinking, but I suppose that works too. If she hadn't tried to go off and stop Jack from making the island go Kablooey, then you wouldn't have fallen down the hatch I'd still be dea-- oh. Thank you Kate!"

Kate nodded. "You're welcome!"

"But that's not the point!" Jacob stated again, getting back on topic. "You like to go off traipsing into the jungle to save people.. then Jack and Juliet didn't get to go home, you broke Jack's heart, you broke Sawyer's heart, broke Jack's again, Jack broke yours.. wow. I'm sensing a pattern. Jack broke Juliet's, Juliet broke Ben's, Sawyer broke Juliet's.." he paused. "Juliet broke Kate's."

"What?!" both women shouted and stood at the same time.

"Oh, sorry," Jacob stated. "Got a little ahead of myself. That's probably next season."

"Oh for God--"

"Island," Jacob interrupted.

"Island?" Juliet questioned.

"Yes, Island, as in.. Oh for Island's sake," he explained.

Juliet narrowed her eyes. "God damm-"

"Island!"

"ISLAND DAMMIT!" Juliet yelled, sitting back down.

"That's better," Jacob replied. "Now we'll continue this conversation later," he stated. He glanced over at Michael and Walt. "You're next!"

**()()To be Cont.()()**

**Hope you laughed! There's more to come, that's for certain!**


	2. Rebellion!

**Author's Note**: Now.. the continuation of Beware of Jacob! Since people find it giggleworthy, then I suppose it's worth going for another chapter! Haha.

This part is about as long as the last one is. I was going to get more of the characters into it a lot more. But my silly mood is kind of running dry for today, so I mostly stuck with the main people. There should be another silly chapter soon though! If there's someone you really want me to pick on, let me know!

**Onetreefan**, may recognize a few things in here from one of my SVU crack!fic stories. Ahaha!

**Beware of Jacob**:

"Alright," Jacob stated, watching as everyone sat back down. "Now that our little recess is ov--"

"WAAAAAALT!"

"Oh Island! What are you _doing_?" Jacob growled, looking at Michael.

"Walt's not here!" Michael informed him. "Where's my boy? Where's WAAAAALT?"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "He's sitting behind you."

"WAAALT?" Michael asking, turning and seeing Walt behind him. "Oh good."

"Okay, let's get this straight Mikey my boy," Jacob stated, pointing his finger at him. "That's just plain annoying. You even did it in the _video game_, now if that's not annoying, I don't know what is!"

Silence.

"WAAALT!"

Jacob narrowed his eyes. That wasn't Michael's voice. It was a woman's voice. He turned to see Kate inconspicuously pointing at Juliet who was whistling. "Oh.. you are spiteful, Juliet."

Juliet shrugged.

He watched Locke get up and start walking away. "Hey, where do you think you're going? You can't--"

"Don't.. tell me.. what..--"

"I CAN'T DO!" Everyone finished for him. "We know!"

Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Hey, how come you're ignoring all of us?" Nikki questioned.

Jacob eyed her. "Who are – oh, well, probably because you never really mattered. What did I say about questions?!"

"Why don't they matter?" Juliet asked with a smirk.

"You are going to get kicked out of this meeting, Juliet!" Jacob warned her.

"Dream come true," she retorted with a smile. "Want to kick me out now?"

"No questions!!" Jacob yelled.

"Why?" Juliet asked.

Jacob was furious. "Because I said so! Wait.. stop that!"

"What'd you say?" Sawyer asked now.

"Knock that off! Look what you started, Juliet!" Jacob huffed out dramatically.

"I have no idea what you mean," she replied with a smug smile.

"Moving on!" Jacob said with defeat.

"I believe I deserve a bigger part here, I've been very important on this island!"

Jacob looked at the man. "Who in the real world are you?"

"If the Island is God, is 'real world' your equivalent to Hell?" Juliet questioned.

Jacob was silent. "Like I said, who _are_ you?" he asked the man.

"That's Steve," Sawyer answered with a nod.

Juliet chuckled.

"What?" Sawyer questioned to Juliet. "Did I get Frodo's name wrong again?"

"It's _NEIL_," the man piped out. "Can't you get _anything_ right?"

Jacob shrugged now. "Well, we've just proven that you're not very important at all, Steve."

"NEIL!"

"Okay, Steve," Jacob stated. He glanced around the group of people and eyed Mr. Eko. "I have to tell you something."

"Fine," Eko replied.

Jacob almost moved on rather then go on with Eko. "No longer are we allowed to call that stick a Jesus stick."

Silence.

Juliet stared at him. "Let me guess.. its now, a Jacob Stick."

"Exactly!"

Silence.

"I vote we _beat_ Jacob with the _Jacob_ stick," Sawyer suggested.

"I second that," Juliet stated, raising her hand.

Jacob looked around warily. "Let's not get too hasty here.."

"I don't think we're being hasty," Kate admitted. "I'm with Sawyer and Juliet."

Juliet eyed her suspiciously. "Why can't you just be with Jack?"

"Jack didn't give an opinion," Kate replied with confusion.

Sawyer whistled.

"I can fix this!" Jack decided.

"NO!" Everyone yelled.

Kate's eyes widened. "HE'S GOT A---"

Sawyer stared. "Holy shit. Is that a thong?" he questioned, taking a stick and poking at it in Jack's hand. "What the _real world _else do you got in that backpack?"

Silence from everyone.

Jack opened up his backpack and rummaged through it. "Look! Glowsticks!"

"What the heck you got glowsticks for?" Sawyer questioned.

Jacob watched in stunned silence.

"You just never know," Jack replied with a shrug. He threw the glowsticks down on the ground and pulled out several other things. A bra, which he handed to Kate.

"This isn't mine," Kate stated warily, holding it between two fingers. She eyed Jack angrily.

Juliet raised both eyebrow. "Hey.. that's mine," she stated, lifting the bra from Kate. She glanced over at Sawyer who was giving her a strange look. "Hey.. it was a long time ago," she said with a shrug.

Sawyer snorted out a laugh.

Kate didn't look nearly as amused.

Now Jack tossed out a pill bottle filled with little blue pills.

"What are those?" Kate questioned. When Jack didn't answer she handed the bottle to Juliet. "Do you know what they are?"

Juliet studied it carefully. She narrowed her eyes slightly and stared at Jack with a look of confusion. "You carry viagra?"

Silence.

"That explains a lot.." she muttered, handing the bottle back to Kate. "Jack, when you take those, you're suppose to consult a doctor for an erection lasting more then four--"

Charlie coughed. Sawyer laughed. Kate looked downright unhinged. "_Four_ hours?!" she said in shock.

Juliet smiled knowingly.

"Not funny.." Jack stated.

"Yes well.. since _you_ couldn't fix that one, I think I did a fairly good job.." Juliet stated with a shrug.

Jack grinned. Kate looked appalled. Sawyer looked uncomfortable. Charlie coughed again.

Now Jack pulled out a picture.

Sawyer snatched that one. "Is that a picture of Juliet and Kate?" he questioned.

Silence.

"Hey wait.. they're wearing Dharma jumpsuits.. they're taking _off_ Dharma jumpsu--"

"Gimme that," Kate said quickly, snatching the picture. She watched Juliet lean over and look at it.

Juliet glanced around. "Huh well.. that's uh.. really photogenic," she stated, scratching her head.

"Yeah.. imagine that," Kate stated, pocketing the picture.

Sawyer eyed Juliet. "Is that why you weren't at the meeting about Sayid?" he questioned.

Juliet shrugged.

"Enough!!" Jacob stated, gripping his hair tightly. "I need to go over TWO more things before we take another break.."

Everyone stared at him.

Jacob pointed at Sawyer. "What the _hell_ happened with your beard during all those flashes that day you became 'LaFleur'?" he questioned. "First you had this nice thick scruffy brown beard, then a few flashes and you had this weird thin oreo colored beard, and then later you had a nice thick brown scruffy beard again!"

Silence was his only answer.

"Right well, guess that one got passed your make-up artist.." Jacob assured him.

A few chuckles.

"Okay, back to Ben!" Jacob stated.

"Finally!" Ben said with relief.

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Am I the only who got a chuckle when Ben opened his secret dresser/door only to open the secret door in his secret closet which opened to show the door to the secret tunnel where he only went to unclog the smoke monster's secret drain?"

Everyone stared at him.

"Just checking," Jacob stated. "Now for another short recess."

**()()TBC()()**

I probably have at least one more part left in me to write if you guys want it :)


End file.
